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ATWT Fanfic: Of Guilt, Hate& Karma

 Title: Of Guilt, Hate& Karma
 Author: mon_alice
 Spoilers: none if you've seen the show till the end,
 Summary:  Post /around craptastic! Tuesday of Doom. Luke grapples with Reid's death.
 Pairings: Luke/Reid mentions, Katie/Chris mentions
 Form: One shot.
 Warnings: Mental angst of going to the dark side. Passante wanted him all grown up, right?
 Rating: ???? Any suggestions?  PG-13-ish for lack of explicity but the content is...angsty
 A/N 1

I'm actually in the middle of two other fanfics but this just kept pouring out and didn't want to stop which I found strangely cathartic.

If you don't feel like reading it I can relate, as I love reading 'fix it/au' fics much more then the 'angsty real life' approach fics  too.
Or at least I have to be in specific mood (read: in the mood allowing me to leave my denial bubble) to do so. Still I'll appreciate if you do end up reading, as well as all your feedback. 

Thanks both to  slayerkitty  and to my sis saedulaque  who took on an ungrateful job of beta reading, commenting and supporting my crazy, crazy self.   :)))) 

Of Guilt, Hate& Karma

Luke Snyder knows he’s always been a self-guilt-tripping drama queen. He also knows out of all the things he’s ever felt guilty for, 99% were quite ridiculous and not his fault at all. Like that time he thought his mother went into coma on account of him being gay. Or that other time when he thought Noah’s father died because of him-- when it was the ex-military man’s own fault really. Or that time of not so long ago when when he still believed that Noah’s accident happened because of him.

And yet no matter what he said over his boyfriend’s barely cold body, no matter how hard he was trying to be brave and strong for everyone around (and somehow, strangely enough, for Reid's sake too), Luke feels guilty for bringing Reid to his Podunk of a hometown, feels guilty for not having the presence of mind to offer his jet to get the heart for Chris or arranging a helicopter, feels guilty for not going along with him on the ride--  at least then they’d be dead together (or alive together-- both seem a better option than whatever  this is), feels guilty for signing Reid's organs away barely seconds after his boyfriend  has possibly formulated his last coherent thought.

He also feels guilty for being so hateful and petty. Somewhere deep down there he knows that there is Some Bigger Picture, and that in a weird way being pressured into signing the death forms, turning off Reid's life support, supporting Katie, Kim and Bob through all of this-- makes some strangely perfect sense. He knows Reid would have understood, would have wanted this-- hell he DID want this and clearly told him so. As much as everyone considered him a heartless prick (Luke must chuckle mirthlessly at that-- Reid has finally shown them all, huh?), he truly was a good man. Luke, on the other hand, has always been praised for his social skills, generous nature and goodness of heart (all that bullshit that people feed you when you have money and they want it), but he doesn't feel all that good and nice anymore.

He hates Tom Hughes for nagging him for a signature, he hates how Bob could, without even a flicker of emotion, discuss Reid being brain dead and talk about cutting him up in the neighboring sentences. He hates John Dixon for going along with that crazy ass plan, he hates Kim for feeling relieved that even though Reid had failed to deliver a heart for Chris he did deliver it after all, and he hates Katie for not grieving enough for Reid as well as having the audacity to actually be glad about her boyfriend pulling through.

Most of all he just abhors Chris Hughes. He has never hated anyone that much before, but now he resents Chris with the fury of a thousand suns. He hates how his stupidity made him hide his sickness, he hates how his lack of imagination and reckless behavior led to him to needing any transplant in the first place. He hates that Chris gets to be happy while Luke's own promising new world has just crumbled.

Still on some level deep inside he is feeling eerily calm about it. Because if these days Luke Snyder believes in anything, it's karma. Simple rule of “what goes around, comes around”. For as much as he hates Chris, he knows he should truly only hate one person in the world, and that is himself. Chris is a moron, but Luke used to be one too. He had to go off get himself infected, get a shady transplant from a questionable source, and then continue drinking himself into oblivion.

He doesn't know if his was a transplant from a living or a dead donor. Even if the donor was a living one, he doesn't even know if this person is alive today or not. He does know, though, that he's taken something precious from someone, like Chris took Reid's heart-- something that can never be given back-- and he cannot help but feel guilty about that too.

Also guilty for hating Chris, and for hating literally everyone right now, and for wishing all the happy couples to have their happy endings crushed and ripped away from them. All the same  he feels guilty for even thinking that because he knows that sometimes thoughts can shape reality, and in a hellhole such as Oakdale, that is almost a scientifically proven fact. Just like the one that in this town no-one's conscience is exactly crystal clear. Which is why the karma will get them, like it got him -- with sharp teeth tugging at the vulnerable flesh, ripping the tender tissue apart. They've got it coming (Chris for obvious reasons mostly so) and they all will get it.

As much as it almost makes him feel even more guilty, he actually feels morosely gleeful about such a prospect. He guesses he cannot exactly call himself a good man anymore, acting like a selfish prick now, but he refuses to feel guilty about that. And it's all alright because Reid isn't there anymore and this town surely needs it's share of an obligatory psychotic jackass gay edition. He will play his part with grim pleasure waiting for all that goes to finally come around.

He thinks he may even clap when it happens. 

The End

A/N 2
This idea though mine, came to me while discussing on the Reid Oliver FB page, how  Luke would be impacted even more by Reid's death, with Reid being an organ donor and Luke being a transplant recipient.  I have absolutely no memory whose comment it was that spurred me into action but I'm very thankful <3 !


Sep. 23rd, 2010 10:03 pm (UTC)
Glad you like it:)))

And the whole recipient/donor thing really bummed me out (well, what didn't?) on the show. They glazed over it like it was no problem. Ghh.